So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
