gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
