Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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