Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
