Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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