i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
