You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize