the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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