why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
