He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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