I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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