I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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