a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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