I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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