Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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