I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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