Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
