youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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