we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
