I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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