I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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