she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
