p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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