i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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