I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
