Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
