She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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