You smell like a Billy Joel song
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
