I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
