Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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