I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
