Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
