New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
