I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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