better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
