I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
