You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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