Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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