I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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