Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Mom said you looked used
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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