On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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