Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
it was like eating out sand paper
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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