FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
