What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i dont even know how to be here
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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