mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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