after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
