I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
