i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
