u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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