Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
