I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
