i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
