god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
