The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
