she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
