I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
