she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
