Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
