Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
