I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
