Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
