my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
how does that bad decision feel?
Never joke about your clitoris.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
