just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
being pregnant is like rehab
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
