Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
