Betty ford says i'm here all night
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
